The Three Billy Goats 'Nuff
by vilya
Summary: The three billy goats have personalities (stock broker etc.). In play format... R +R


Always Wear Your Shoes  
  
Narrator: This story is what you may have once considered The Three Billy Goats Gruff. (Laughs) Not anymore. It doesn't start with "once upon a time" or "once in a magical land far away". This story is not about innocent damsels who are captured by evil witches. Nor is it about handsome and strong knights who set out to do a daring deed. This story is quite unique. You'll see what I mean. The troll in our story, Mr. Abraham Trunkalot, is an intelligent bachelor who collects butterflies and uses huge amounts of hair gel daily. He also owns a Breath-Freshener Company.  
  
Troll: I only invest in stuff I use.  
  
Narrator: Yes, yes. Now, this particular troll is notorious for boring the life out of any creature willing to listen. That is why most animals avoid him. By the time the stories of him get to civilized folk, they are twisted around so much there's barely any truth left in them. Well, as you may have guessed, along come the three billy goats who want to cross the bridge that the poor troll lives under. The first is a member of the Taliban. Let's see what happens.  
  
Goat 1: Hey, troll! Let me cross your bridge or I'll send an army after you.  
  
Troll: I do say, that is quite rude! Although, what did I expect from a goat? Well my dear fellow, you look like you could use some of my breath- freshener! No? Let me tell you about my butterflies...  
  
Goat 1: Hey you moron! I want to cross you dumb old bridge!  
  
Troll: That can wait. Now, where was I... oh yes... and that pretty yellow one, you see it right? Yes, well above it is my personal favorite.  
  
Narrator: The troll carried on like this for quite some time. The other goats began to get worried. Eventually, the member of the Taliban retreats screaming bloody murder. Now, our second goat is a costume designer. He, thinking he was so clever, designed a butterfly costume to get by the troll unnoticed. Remember, he did not see or hear anything about the troll. He was hiding in a bush with the third goat. He thought that the first goat was hurt when he ran away screaming.  
  
Goat 2: Isn't that what happened?  
  
Narrator: Forget it!  
  
Troll: I do wonder why that goat ran off so fast. Oh well. My, look at that lovely butterfly. It would do nicely in my collection.  
  
Goat 2: You idiot! I don't want to be pinned to a wall! Hey! Hey!  
  
Troll: There, now don't you look pretty!  
  
Goat 2: You know I don't get paid for modeling my costumes! Hello this isn't funny anymore! Narrator, you knew about this didn't you?  
  
Narrator: Actually, yes. I thought it was quite humorous too. Anyway, the third goat happened to be a conceited stock broker. He decided to bore the troll into letting him cross the bridge. You must remember that the third goat is just as oblivious as the first and second goats. It proves to be a most interesting battle of boredom.  
  
Goat 3: Troll! Hey troll. I've decided to bore you into letting me cross that bridge.  
  
Narrator: Ugh! How stupid can you be! The element of surprise is supposed to be a good part of fairytales. Never mind. It's too late.  
  
Goat 3: You try saying things off the top of your head without revealing anything! Sheesh!  
  
Troll: That is interesting. Have I told you about my butterflies?  
  
Goat 3: No, but did I tell you about how all the sheep just swoon when they see me approach?  
  
Narrator: Dream on! They swoon because of your foul stench. Well, for the most part, they went on like this for the rest of the afternoon. The third goat was running out of things to say, the second goat's voice was hoarse form screaming "Help!" constantly for three hours, and the troll was just beginning to recite the C-Ch edition of the encyclopedia.  
  
Goat 3: Argh! He's too good!  
  
Troll: Chimneys. These are very useful for letting the smoke out of your fireplace.  
  
Goat 3: I can't take it anymore! Where's the nearest insane asylum?  
  
Narrator: So the third goat ran off.  
  
Troll: Wait! Sir, you forgot your shoes!  
  
Goat 3: I don't care! I just want to get out of this story as soon as possible!  
  
Narrator: And the conceited stock broker blindly sprinted away from the troll, having been sorely beaten in the contest of boredom.  
  
Troll: There's a briar patch over...  
  
Goat 3: Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!  
  
Narrator: So here our story ends... Oh! I almost forgot! The second goat stayed pinned to the wall of the troll, till the troll died. Then he was given to a museum in Idaho.  
  
Goat 2: Stupid narrator! All I owe you is three hundred bucks!  
  
Narrator: Which is five months over due, as a matter of fact! Ehem! So here our story ends like most fairytales do with: "And they all lived (well almost all of them)happily ever after. The moral: Always where your shoes. Tips can be put into the collecting jar in the main lobby. Thank you and please throw out all your popcorn and candy wrappers in the nearest trash receptacle.  
  
Goat 2: I think the moral should be: Don't carry grudges!  
  
Narrator: That just shoes how stupid you are!  
  
The End. 


End file.
